you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
