I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
