grandma shit on top of the toilet
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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