The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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