I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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