I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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