Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize