I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
