he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
