I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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