Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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