I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
