my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I fill condoms, not promises.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
