why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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