Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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