I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
