It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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