She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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