Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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