i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
