And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
