i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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