you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize