Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
