Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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