Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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