So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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