They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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