Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
