someone get that fucking seahorse.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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