Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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