i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
