This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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