you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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