They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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