he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
