i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
