Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
