I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
