I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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