I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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