I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
