2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
