I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize