good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
