I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
