I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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