I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
