y did u give ur computer a hand job?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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