his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
