I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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