I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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