I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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